Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Friday, December 03, 2010
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Back to work!!!
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 90 million in school.**
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work…you and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
**(this did say 85 million but it was brought to my attention that the numbers just didn't add up - oopsy - anyway it was intended as a bit of humor, not a statement of fact) :-)
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 90 million in school.**
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work…you and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
**(this did say 85 million but it was brought to my attention that the numbers just didn't add up - oopsy - anyway it was intended as a bit of humor, not a statement of fact) :-)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I'd lie about that too!
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Birthday Calculator
This was fun! Here's what it says about my birthday. What does it say about yours?
20 April 1949
Your date of conception was on or about 28 July 1948 which was a Wednesday.
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Aries.
Your Life path number is 11.
Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2433026.5.
The golden number for 1949 is 12.
The epact number for 1949 is 0.
The year 1949 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/29/1949 and ending 2/16/1950.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Ox.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver; your plant is Wild Clover.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paony, the second month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).
Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 21 Nisan 5709.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 22 Nisan 5709.
The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.16.15.7.2 which is
12 baktun 16 katun 15 tun 7 uinal 2 kin
The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Wednsday, 21 Jumadiyu'th-Thani 1368 (1368-6-21).
The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 17 April 1949.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 24 April 1949.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 2 March 1949.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 5 June 1949.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 12 June 1949.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 24 September 1949.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 14 April 1949.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 1 March 1949.
As of 1/10/2007 8:59:30 AM EST
You are 57 years old.
You are 693 months old.
You are 3,012 weeks old.
You are 21,084 days old.
You are 506,024 hours old.
You are 30,361,499 minutes old.
You are 1,821,689,970 seconds old.
Celebrities who share your birthday:
Joey Lawrence (1976) Carmen Electra (1972) Don Mattingly (1961)
Clint Howard (1959) Luther Vandross (1951) Jessica Lange (1949)
Ryan O'Neal (1941) George Takei (1940) Nina Foch (1924)
Lionel Hampton (1908) Harold Lloyd (1893) Joan Mir¢ (1893)
Adolf Hitler (1889)
Top songs of 1949
Riders In the Sky by Vaughn Monroe That Lucky Old Sun by Frankie Laine
Cruising Down the River by Blue Barron (also Russ Morgan) A Little Bird Told Me by Evelyn Knight
Mule Train by Frankie Laine Some Enchanted Evening by Perry Como
You're Breaking My Heart by Vic Damone Slippin' Around by Margaret Whiting & Jimmy Wakely
Forever and Ever by Russ Morgan A You're Adorable by Perry Como
Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 8.25205479452055 years old. (You old hound dog, you!)
There are 100 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 58 candles.
Those 58 candles produce 58 BTUs,
or 14,616 calories of heat (that's only 14.6160 food Calories!) .
You can boil 6.63 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1949 there were approximately 2.8 million births in the US.
In 1949 the US population was approximately 131,669,275 people, 44.2 persons per square mile.
In 1949 in the US there were approximately 1,595,879 marriages (12.1%) and 264,000 divorces (2%)
In 1949 in the US there were approximately 1,417,000 deaths (10.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.
In 1949 the population of Australia was approximately 8,045,570.
In 1949 there were approximately 181,261 births in Australia.
In 1949 in Australia there were approximately 72,999 marriages and 6,572 divorces.
In 1949 in Australia there were approximately 75,260 deaths.
Your birthstone is Diamond
The Mystical properties of Diamond
Diamonds are said to increase personal clarity to help one see things clearly as well as be straight-forward and honest. Supposedly, the higher quality the diamond, the better it is supports these qualities.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Quartz, White Sapphire
Your birth tree is
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
There are 349 days till Christmas 2007!
There are 362 days till Orthodox Christmas!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was in its last quarter.
20 April 1949
Your date of conception was on or about 28 July 1948 which was a Wednesday.
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Aries.
Your Life path number is 11.
Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2433026.5.
The golden number for 1949 is 12.
The epact number for 1949 is 0.
The year 1949 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/29/1949 and ending 2/16/1950.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Ox.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver; your plant is Wild Clover.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paony, the second month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).
Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 21 Nisan 5709.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 22 Nisan 5709.
The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.16.15.7.2 which is
12 baktun 16 katun 15 tun 7 uinal 2 kin
The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Wednsday, 21 Jumadiyu'th-Thani 1368 (1368-6-21).
The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 17 April 1949.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 24 April 1949.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 2 March 1949.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 5 June 1949.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 12 June 1949.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 24 September 1949.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 14 April 1949.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 1 March 1949.
As of 1/10/2007 8:59:30 AM EST
You are 57 years old.
You are 693 months old.
You are 3,012 weeks old.
You are 21,084 days old.
You are 506,024 hours old.
You are 30,361,499 minutes old.
You are 1,821,689,970 seconds old.
Celebrities who share your birthday:
Joey Lawrence (1976) Carmen Electra (1972) Don Mattingly (1961)
Clint Howard (1959) Luther Vandross (1951) Jessica Lange (1949)
Ryan O'Neal (1941) George Takei (1940) Nina Foch (1924)
Lionel Hampton (1908) Harold Lloyd (1893) Joan Mir¢ (1893)
Adolf Hitler (1889)
Top songs of 1949
Riders In the Sky by Vaughn Monroe That Lucky Old Sun by Frankie Laine
Cruising Down the River by Blue Barron (also Russ Morgan) A Little Bird Told Me by Evelyn Knight
Mule Train by Frankie Laine Some Enchanted Evening by Perry Como
You're Breaking My Heart by Vic Damone Slippin' Around by Margaret Whiting & Jimmy Wakely
Forever and Ever by Russ Morgan A You're Adorable by Perry Como
Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 8.25205479452055 years old. (You old hound dog, you!)
There are 100 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 58 candles.
Those 58 candles produce 58 BTUs,
or 14,616 calories of heat (that's only 14.6160 food Calories!) .
You can boil 6.63 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1949 there were approximately 2.8 million births in the US.
In 1949 the US population was approximately 131,669,275 people, 44.2 persons per square mile.
In 1949 in the US there were approximately 1,595,879 marriages (12.1%) and 264,000 divorces (2%)
In 1949 in the US there were approximately 1,417,000 deaths (10.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.
In 1949 the population of Australia was approximately 8,045,570.
In 1949 there were approximately 181,261 births in Australia.
In 1949 in Australia there were approximately 72,999 marriages and 6,572 divorces.
In 1949 in Australia there were approximately 75,260 deaths.
Your birthstone is Diamond
The Mystical properties of Diamond
Diamonds are said to increase personal clarity to help one see things clearly as well as be straight-forward and honest. Supposedly, the higher quality the diamond, the better it is supports these qualities.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Quartz, White Sapphire
Your birth tree is
Maple, Independence of Mind
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
There are 349 days till Christmas 2007!
There are 362 days till Orthodox Christmas!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was in its last quarter.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Miss Beatrice
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
A Woman's Brain
A coworker sent me this cute email. I got a pretty good laugh out of it, hope you will too! If you know who designed this let me know and I'll certainly credit them!
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works ? Well .... it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls.
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works ? Well .... it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Green Dog
Here's another interesting email I received. I don't go in for the "send this email to 46 people in the next 5 seconds or you'll have bad luck for 40 years!!!!!" kind of thing but I did agree with some of the things:
You have been tagged by the Green Dog!
,-._,-.
\/)"(\/
(_o_)
Ruff!!!!!!
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can' t have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.
11. There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard; the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
You have been tagged by the Green Dog!
,-._,-.
\/)"(\/
(_o_)
Ruff!!!!!!
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can' t have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.
11. There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard; the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Dog and God
One of my dog loving friends sent this to me today. I think all dog lovers can relate to the problems our canine friends have:
Even if you don't have a dog, you gotta love this one. Everyone should have a dog or 3...
TO: GOD:
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, my last two questions.
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Love them kitties
I'm a cat lover and not ashamed to admit it! My daughter-in-law showed this to me and I thought it was HILARIOUS. Hope you will too.
As seen on Wimp.com
As seen on Wimp.com
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Huh???!!!
A friend just e-mailed this to me. See how you do with it! 
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can.I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the human mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this psas it on !!.
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can.I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the human mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this psas it on !!.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
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